Don’t Blame the Lady, Blame the Tiara!

Don’t Blame The Lady, Blame The Tiara
Dr. Idries takes a humorous look at what happens when a women wearing a tiara misbehaves on an international flight.

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Dr. Idries Abdur-Rahman

Its a pleasant afternoon as you board your Turkish Airlines flight from Istanbul to New York City. You’re just getting settled into your seat when you first see her. There she is prancing down the aisle tanned as can be with a tiara perched atop her perfectly manicured coif.   To each her own you think until you realize that she appears to be making her way to the unoccupied seat next to you. Yep, she’s your seat mate for the next 11 hours and lucky you she’s a chatty one!  She’s a bit obnoxious as she goes on and on about how she just spent the last five days on a yacht perfecting her already perfect tan but its not until she decides to use you as a pillow that you really start to object to her presence.   And then it happens, just as you are finally able to drift off to sleep she begins to use the armrest as a weapon of mass destruction, up and down up and down she bangs it bruising your defenseless thigh. Wondering what this crazy lady might do next, you get up to summon a flight attendant but its too late. As you stand from your seat you feel a not so gentle nibble upon your buttocks. That’s right, the tiara wearing arm rest wielding maniac just bit you square in your a**!

Clearly this is a work of fiction, nothing this outrageous could have really happened, right?  Well, this actually did happen (as reported by multiple news outlets) on a recent Turkish Airlines flight when Stacey Engman, curator for the National Arts Club in New York, allegedly attacked and bit a fellow passenger.  While Engman was issued a summons for assault upon landing we must remind you that like any other person accused of a crime, she is innocent until proven guilty. Now many people blamed an unhealthy combination of excessive alcohol intake with a healthy sense of over entitlement for this episode, but I want to offer you an alternate explanation. To me it is absolutely clear what happened and if you will give me a moment of your time, I am going to convince you as well.  I present for your careful consideration a history of otherwise good women who after donning a tiara went bad……way bad.    When I am finished, I hope you will join me in exclaiming “don’t blame the lady, blame the tiara!”

Case number one: Queen Grimhilde who is better known by many of you as the evil queen in Snow White. Clearly at some point Grimhilde must have been a lovely woman (even if her name was Grimhilde).   After all, the king fell madly in love with her and surely there must have been a time when she and Snow White got along famously. Obviously everything changed when she put on that tiara. She went from being a sweet lovely girlfriend and soon-to-be stepmother to the evil woman who wanted to ruin Snow White’s life just because she was no longer the “fairest of them all”.  Classic case of tiara poisoning!

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Not convinced yet? Well, there’s more.   Consider case number two, Hannah Montana. For five years from 2006 through 2011 she was America’s sweetheart, every little girl wanted to be her and every little boy wanted to be with her.  Seriously, she had the best of both worlds (get it, the best of both worlds), she got to be an average American teen by day and a pop superstar by night. What’s not to love, right?

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But, then it all went terribly wrong as we watched squeaky clean Hannah morph into bare breasted, foam finger wielding wrecking ball riding Miley.

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Of course there was tons of talk amongst the tabloids about why Hannah became Miley. Some blamed the pressures of growing up in the celebrity pressure cooker while others intimated that it might be drugs or alcohol. Well, I’m here to give you the real reason but I think you already know where I am going with this. You guessed it, the tiara strikes again! It is well documented that after doing this very interview, Hannah was forever lost.

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Now even the skeptics among you must admit that I have presented some pretty sound evidence. But, I can still see that some of you are just not convinced. Well, for those of you, I present my very final and by far most convincing piece of evidence yet….babies. I mean really, who doesn’t love babies? They are just so soft and squishy and cuddly, its absolutely impossible to resist their charms. Awwww, aren’t they so cute?

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Nothing could make a cute baby go bad right? Wrong!, I present to you the one thing that can make a good baby go bad. Yup, a tiara!  I present to you case number three, Toddlers and Tiaras. The only thing that can ruin even a baby is the dreaded tiara.

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Folks, the evidence is clear and I defy anyone to dispute what I presented here today. Tiaras clearly make good people go bad and it doesn’t matter if you are an over-entitled New York socialite, a Disney Queen, America’s sweetheart or even a cute little baby. A good tiara will make you go bad!  So, please don’t blame Miss Engman for her erratic behavior. The Stacey Engman that boarded that Turkish Airlines flight was not the Stacey Engman that her friends and family know and love.  No, it was the result of years and years of clearly excessive tiara wearing.

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So ladies, I beg you all to think twice before putting that tiara on.   However, if you find that you absolutely must wear it, please please please proceed with caution.   And should feel the need to take it with you on vacation, for God’s sake put it in your checked luggage.

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